Crash, p.1
Crash, page 1
CRASH
ISOBEL ROSS
CONTENTS
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1. Monday 8th September, 2008
2. Monday 8th September
3. Monday 8th, Tuesday 9th September
4. Wednesday 10th September
5. Wednesday 10th September
6. Thursday 11th September
7. Friday 12th September
8. Monday 15th September
9. Monday 15th September
10. Tuesday 16th September
11. Tuesday 16th September
12. Wednesday 17th September
13. Thursday 18th September
14. Thursday 18th September
15. Friday 19th September
16. Monday 22nd September
17. Tuesday 23rd September
18. Wednesday 24th September
19. Thursday 25th September
20. Thursday 25th September
21. Friday 26th September
22. Saturday 27th September
23. Saturday 27th September
24. Sunday 28th September
25. Sunday 28th September
26. Sunday 28th September
27. Monday 29th September
28. Tuesday 30th September
29. Tuesday 30th September
30. Wednesday 1st October
31. Thursday, 2nd October
32. Friday, 3rd October
33. Tuesday 7th October
34. December 2021
Also by Isobel Ross
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Acknowledgements
About the Author
A note from the publisher
Copyright © 2024 Isobel Ross
* * *
The right of Isobel Ross to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
* * *
First published in 2024 by Bloodhound Books.
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Apart from any use permitted under UK copyright law, this publication may only be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, with prior permission in writing of the publisher or, in the case of reprographic production, in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency.
All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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www.bloodhoundbooks.com
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Print ISBN: 978-1-916978-84-3
ONE
MONDAY 8TH SEPTEMBER, 2008
My brain felt fractured, my mind a mess of images as I drove too fast through the narrow country lanes, noticing oncoming cars too late, relying on other drivers to save themselves. Hedgerows reared and swerved, the road surface shimmered, a pheasant ran for cover, briefly iridescent. Car horns sounded, loud at first, then faded behind me.
I parked several streets from the school, ashamed that I’d arrived safely because of the skill of other drivers. In the driving mirror, I wiped away mascara from my cheeks and brushed my hair. I was calmer, but fear dragged at the corners of my eyes and mouth. I felt unfairly angry with Dan. Had he been there, I might have hit him. Yet the frustration of our awkward meeting, the one that had almost made me late for Tom, was my fault. I had planned to tell him about the medical investigations ahead of me but I’d lost courage to say the words. There was too much to explain. Of course, he hadn’t noticed my distraction until it was almost time to part and by then, it was too late. I had no idea when we would risk meeting again. His absence felt like a hole, a hollow emptiness more powerful than his presence.
I stayed in the car, sliding down in my seat and closing my eyes. Tom would find me. A moment later, he tapped on the window, and I sat up to unlock the door. Each day his appearance seemed to change as adolescence grappled with his childlike body. Today, in the shadows of the car’s interior, his nose seemed larger on his face, as if borrowed from someone else, like the false noses sold in gift shops, the ones that catch your hair in the elastic.
Tom looked at me, his eyes narrowed. ‘You look like shit. Are you okay?’ His voice cracked on the upward cadence of the question. ‘Been talking to the school?’
I turned the key in the ignition as he threw his bag onto the back seat. ‘No, should I have been?’
He stared straight ahead. ‘No worries, it’s nothing. I’ll tell you later. Let’s drive.’
I inched the car through groups of parents and children at the pedestrian crossing outside the school gates.
‘Your voice is breaking,’ I said. ‘I hadn’t noticed.’
‘Yeah, it happens. Mum, I’m fifteen. Come on, let’s get home.’
Our journey out of the city was slow. Almost stationary traffic inched towards each junction, only a few cars forcing their way through at each turn of the lights. I blew out heavily, exasperated at the infuriating congestion. Had every parent of every child in Leicester chosen this very day to collect them by car? Sweat trickled between my shoulder blades but the roar of the air conditioning felt like torture. I released the soft top of the car.
‘That’s cool. Dad doesn’t allow the top down in the city.’ Tom reached for a CD. ‘Can we put this on, really loud.’
‘No,’ I snapped. ‘It will attract attention. What is everyone doing? Why don’t they walk their kids home from school? Why aren’t they all at work?’
‘Like you?’ Tom stared at me.
‘We live miles away; I have to pick you up. All these other people,’ I waved a hand airily to encompass all the white vans, buses and cars that crowded us, ‘they have a choice.’
‘That’s so unfair,’ Tom argued. ‘Anyway, if you’d let me go to the local school, I could go by bus. It’s your decision to destroy the planet for my education. My school is rubbish, by the way. I hate it there.’
I glanced at Tom, stung by this rebuke, but seeing him smile I reached out to touch his face. His skin felt rough, where part-healed spots and stubble had replaced the child’s soft cheeks. I felt the frustration drain from me.
‘Tom,’ I said, with exaggerated patience. ‘I know what you think of The Mount, but there wasn’t a choice, not once you’d been asked to leave Ashridge Grange. The school has to be secure; your dad is clear about that.’
Tom grunted. ‘That says more about Dad than me, don’t you think?’
‘It doesn’t matter what I think.’ I sighed.
We crawled past Victorian parks and churches, framed by elegant Edwardian terraces. These prosperous streets were followed by rows of redbrick terraces and small shops selling Asian sweets and jewellery.
‘Dad and I lived here when we were students, just up that street there. Did I ever tell you?’
‘You’ve mentioned it once or twice.’
‘That Co-op, it used to be a proper greengrocer.’
‘Yeah, you’ve said that too.’
We inched through more traffic in silence until, at last, a flyover led to a ring road, which I’d read had ripped out the city’s medieval heart. I decided not to mention this to Tom. The traffic began to flow, and we reached the last fifteen minutes of our journey home, turning off a dual carriageway through the mirrored glass and steel of a new business park, promising more shopping and housing to claim a wasteland that had once been farms. The city stuttered and fell away into narrow lanes, heavy with hawthorn berries. Through the open top, I caught the spicy scent of yarrow, which crowded the verges, and slowed the car to turn into our village. The cottages that lined the main street were almost all built of honey-coloured stone, but the village pub was rendered and whitewashed, standing out from its neighbours like one good tooth. The pub’s hanging baskets were beginning to fade, and the cottages looked rested and expectant, on the edge of summer’s end.
Outside a high brick wall, built to match the colour of the village, we waited for the electronic gates to recognise us. They trembled, then hesitated, as if unsure, before inching open. I circled the car around the barren fountain, a little too fast, tyres dragging in the gravel, and parked below the threshold of our newly built Queen Anne style house. The electronic gates would deter anyone who was after Carl’s ideas, since industrial espionage was a more gentlemanly affair, I now understood, than rough old burglary. Was this really true or were our fancy gates an early sign of Carl’s paranoia, when such arguments still lay on the right side of normal?
Tom tossed his schoolbag under the hall table and ran upstairs to his bedroom, calling out, ‘What’s to eat?’ from the landing.
The slam of his bedroom door left no room for a reply. I held myself in the cool hall and smelt furniture polish underlaid by freesias. The gilt mirror reflected the flowers and above them, my face, dark shadows under the eyes and deep lines around my mouth. I pulled my cheeks up towards my ears, which stretched my lips, making me look even more canine than usual. A tight, angry feeling returned, crouching like a weight on my forehead. Blood throbbed in my ears.
To the mirror, I repeated the words I’d just said to Dan. ‘Do you think we’ll ever be together?’
Why had I bothered to ask him? We’d had this conversation before. It never led anywhere. Today, with my world about to change, I had forced him to say it again.
‘Alice, you know I can’t leave Sarah and the children. You said you felt the same about Carl and your family. Things might be different one day… you know how much I want to be with you.’
I had pushed him again, challenging. ‘What we have o nly works if things go on the same, but they won’t, they can’t.’
Dan had frowned at me, puzzled, and brushed his lips across mine, disregarding that we might be observed. ‘Then we’ll cross that bridge together.’
In the kitchen, Honey slowly became aware that she might not be alone. She scented the air and listened, her head on one side, then stood up in her basket and shook herself, stretching her legs and wagging her tail in a half-hearted greeting, not quite certain whether anyone was with her. I knelt down and took her ears in my hands and breathed in her dog sweat.
‘Poor Honey,’ I said aloud, and she yawned in recognition. ‘Let’s go for a walk.’
‘I’m taking Honey out,’ I shouted, from the hall. There was no response from Tom. I climbed the stairs and pushed open the door to Tom’s bedroom, dangling Honey’s lead. He didn’t look up but waved at me without taking his eyes from his PlayStation. His shoes lay on the floor and the room already smelt of unwashed boy.
Honey staggered, stiff-legged, towards the back door, shaking her collar. We crossed the lawns where I had left a pair of gardening gloves on the grass beside the rose garden. I picked them up and pushed them into my trouser pockets, keying open the gate in the wall before putting Honey on a long lead. It was a slow walk through the woods as she stopped and examined every smell. I waited on a warm, rotting log at the edge of a glade and watched Honey circle away from me, hesitating every few yards to check the air for my presence. A few remnants of bluebell flowers hung listlessly, etiolated in the shadows of the trees.
I dug into the bark with a stick and watched a woodlouse scuttle away, determined to find a safe haven in the woodland litter and save his tiny life. This time, things had worked out for him, but I already felt certain that this medical problem of mine wasn’t going to come right. If that was the case, everything would have to change. Dan had no idea because I had chosen not to share it with him, or anything else about my car crash of a life. There were no bridges we would cross together.
I felt my mood lift. Blaming Dan was unfair. Whatever else was happening, there was still the company of an old dog, this wood and the sun falling across us in shadows that were just beginning to lengthen. If I can have a bit more life, I bargained, I’ll make my days count.
Honey snuffled her way back and sat down, panting. ‘Sadly,’ I spoke aloud, scratching behind her ears, ‘you have no choice and that’s okay for you. But I haven’t had the life I want. I’m still waiting for it to start.’
‘Mum, is Dad at home?’ Tom called from the landing as I crouched down to remove Honey’s lead.
‘No, he’s in London,’ I said. ‘Can you come down now and give Honey some water while I check to see if there are any phone messages.’
Tom descended the stairs head forwards, gripping the banister with both hands and swinging one leg over, as he had done ever since he became tall enough to manage such a feat. At the bottom, he struck his forehead with the palm of his hand as if he had just remembered something. ‘It’s nothing serious but the head teacher wants to see you and Dad.’ Tom dug deep into his schoolbag and brought out an envelope that already looked days old.
I held the letter between two fingers. ‘How long have you had this?’
Tom reddened. ‘Just today, Mum, I promise.’
He followed me into the kitchen, where we sat across from each other, on opposite sides of the table. I searched for my new glasses in my handbag and peered at the words. Tom had been found with a small amount of cannabis in his possession. Normally this would result in immediate expulsion, but he had denied any knowledge, insisting it had been planted. To give Tom the benefit of the doubt, he would have two days at home to think about his story, with a meeting on Thursday to discuss his future at the school. There followed some placatory words about the long and positive relationship the school had enjoyed with our family. The letter was signed by the head teacher’s secretary.
I threw the letter down. ‘How could you be so stupid?’
A flicker of shame passed across Tom’s face, quickly replaced by sullen bravado. ‘I took some from Dad’s room. It was just for me and Owen.’
I felt my cheeks burn, as if I’d been slapped. ‘You’ve been in Dad’s study? You’ve involved Owen in this?’
‘No… yes. Owen went in. He said it was stupid we couldn’t go into Dad’s room. He found the stuff just lying about on the floor. We didn’t pass any around. Anyway, it was found straight away.’
When was it ever possible for Tom and his friend to have been unsupervised, in this house?
‘What day was this?’
‘On Friday when his mum collected us from school. We came over here on the bus. Dad was out and you were at work.’
I rubbed my temples. I couldn’t look at him. ‘Did Owen’s mother, I mean Madeleine… did she know where you were going?’
‘Of course not, we went out when she had her afternoon surgery. There was something we needed from here.’
I heard a shriek… my own voice. ‘Dope. You needed dope. Because you’re both using it. How did you get in? How often have you done this? What on earth were you doing taking drugs to school?’
Tom raised both hands, as if to push back my anger. ‘Stop asking me so many questions!’
Outside, car tyres crunched on the gravel and an engine rattled like a tractor before shutting down. It was a taxi. I waited and held my breath, listening for footsteps and Carl’s key in the lock.
‘Dad’s home. Anyway…’ Tom jumped up from the table but stayed next to me. We heard Carl moving in the hall, then the flush of the cloakroom toilet.
Honey lifted her head from her basket and gave a single bark before sighing and resting her head between her paws. Carl appeared at the kitchen door, dressed for London, his long hair brushed into a ponytail, sharpening the edges of his receding hairline. He wore a grey wool suit and a pale blue shirt, handmade for him by his London tailor. His image, secured by money, his electronic gates and me, remained secure. Only I knew about the row of identical suits and polished shoes, the safety net of someone no longer able to make choices.
Carl sat down, patting the chair next to him to encourage Tom to join us. He grabbed at his tie. ‘God, I need a drink. The flight from London was awful.’
I kept my voice low, just an innocent question, not a challenge. ‘Did you fly the helicopter?’
‘Of course, I’ve got to keep the hours up. I’ll lose my licence otherwise.’
‘What’s the point of employing a pilot if you never let him fly? What does it matter if you lose your licence? We pay Tony to take you anywhere you need to go.’
Carl shrugged and rolled his eyes above my head at Tom, still standing at my shoulder. Nagging women, who needs them? I pressed on, unsure when I would next see Carl or even be able to speak to him.
‘There’s a letter here from Tom’s school; we were just talking about it.’
From Carl’s eyes, I saw there had been another glance between them, this time from son to father. ‘She means she’s been shouting at me,’ Tom said.
Carl’s lips curled, prepared to be amused. He jerked his head towards Tom. ‘Come on, son, sit down next to me, while I hear this letter. I won’t be angry.’
Tom slid into the seat next to his father.
Carl nodded, instructing me to begin. ‘Go on, Alice, tell me the worst.’
I read the letter aloud, Tom closely watching his father and Carl leaning back, using his hands to sweep back his hair. I saw the tremor. We didn’t have long.
